what's in a face?

The auditions for Bayanihan were held today. Everyone was asked to come, old and new. I went out of the audition room feeling dissapointed. The panel let us all stand there in a line, according to height. Tallest to smallest. I was among the smallest ones... Then after that they made us shift different places just to see which faces "blended" well together. It bothered me so much, that the 'senior ones' in particular weren't made to do anything. Not even dance. (Oo nga, siyempre matagal na nila nakikitang sumasayaw ang mga senior. Pero para saan pa na pinapunta lahat para mag audition. Hindi ba't para fair?) It was like the selection was based purely on looks. I have nothing against admiring the beautiful, but if I were to choose, I'd be after talent, brains, but most especially heart. Someone who has passion for dancing and most especially for our culture. Our country is suffering from so much already, and if there's something I know I can be proud of as a filipino, its the passion and drive that a lot of us have. The talent. The richness and diversity of our culture. I know why Bayanihan does this kind of judging... they want stunning performers, etc... But really... is that actually more important then the attitude im trying to talk about? Im quite depressed...

Talked to my parents about it. My mom agreed with me. Nakakatawa nga kasi she started talking about Ateneo and the Blue Eagle syndrome. Ika nga niya: "Ateneans are taught to soar high." That's why I feel this way raw. Dissapointed and all. But on the other hand, my dad naman was like: "Pucha dati ang gaganda ng mga bayanihan!" So sa tingin ko may katotohanan sa parehong panig. Pero alin ba talaga? Ganun ba ka halaga ang hitsura? FOr the guys, ano sa tingin niyo? Ewan ko.. basta ako. Eto talaga ang paninindigan ko. I will do my best and make my country proud. I will work on my craft and work on my looks I guess. haha.. nakakabaliw. Kanina talaga init ng ulo ko.

grad practice

As i was sitting amongst all the other graduating students and watching the sixty-plus students worthy of honorable mention, I couldn't help but be a little bit frustrated. Why couldn't I have worked a little harder. But I guess if asked if I would go through the whole college experience again just to be in the honors roll, I'd have said no. More than anything, college has been for me, a refuge. Something that seems like a very detached portion of my life, yet a place I end up in, no matter what im going through. It seems that the four years flew before I could even appreciate the bundles of paper Id bury my head into. In retrospect, however, I know how different I am from the introverted freshie I was four years ago. Its good to look back. It makes me appreciate each and every aspect of me. Mistakes and accomplishments. Relationships built. (Nagdrama daw ba... :D)

update!

Nakakatamad nang mag update, ang dami nang nangyari since I last updated my blog. Romeo and Juliet!!! Perhaps one of the most significant projects of my life. Natapos narin, pagatapos ng maraming trabaho, tawanan, iyak. I love theater even more now. Ang dami kong natutunan, ang daming nangyari sakin, na masasabi kong nagpatanda sa akin. And to me thats a good thing. I'll be more specific, when I have time. When I don't have to wake up at 6, for the mass tom.
Then of course, I just came home from a super enjoyable 2 week tour in Berlin, Moscow, and Frankfurt. So I owe my blog two entries, at least.
Last night was also the blue roast. The very informal grad party of Ateneo batch2006. yay! Bilis ng oras. Ang ganda ng ginawa nila sa BEL field. Ang ganda talaga pag sinisindihan yung mga ilaw ng puno duon eh... in the middle of the party i told my friend "parang ang sarap mag jogging..." sarap ng hangin. perfect. except i haven't really been in the best of moods lately. I did something quite unlike me. I gave my blue rose to this guy who used to be in my philo class. I don't know him and I've never spoken to him. Anyway, I've been a little down lately, and after I gave him the rose my dimple just wouldn't dissapear. :) uy, understatement. hahaha.. tagal na akong hindi kinikilig. Also, I am SO relieved that I didn't feel totally embarassed when I did it. He was actually very polite. Now I know his name. yey.

owwww!!!!

It takes time for you to convince yourself it's over. You're better off without him. You've moved on. Then once you have, you act as if you've been reborn. You manage to smile and laugh around him. You take pride in the fact that you can touch him or punch him. Hug or kiss him and it means nothing. But, really, who are you kidding.
I hear the mention of his name, and my ears instantly become alert. Every thing he says about his girlfriend, or any other girl he mentions is a slap on my face. Seeing him, acting with him---a humbling experience. He doesn't even know it. I am crazy jealous.
I can't just forget. I don't think I can let go. I can only watch as he goes farther away from me. That's the only choice I have. I won't go after him. I won't bother him. I can't, I care too much.
The other day we were alone for an hour in the auditorium. We talked. At some point he suddenly blurted: "bata ka pa talaga, pero okay yan." The thing is, he knows what i've been through. It's dissapointing that what i say doesn't have as much weight as he'd want it to have because I'm "young". I don't care if I'm young, I know he loves me too. What's in a name?!?!
Anyway, I miss him a lot. Maybe i am better off without him, but although I've chosen to distance myself from him, it ain't working. Two hours. For two hours, I can believe he's mine.

blaahhh

Elbows on the cushioned bed
Feet in the air,
tracing his hair
landing on his chest
sliding down his stomach.

Dreams
threatening me
while I am awake

sembreak na!:)

Wow. Ang sarap ng feeling. To wake up anytime of the day, kahit alas-once na, kasi wala kang kailangang gawin. Walang deadlines. Winner!!:) But, lately I've been having trouble sleeping. Like the other night, i was in bed by 12. But I couldn't sleep, so nag tv muna ako. tapos mamaya 5 am na gising parin ako. so naglakad lakad lang ako sa kwarto ko. natulog ako alas sais na. Tapos gumising akong 6:45 kasi panonoorin ko yung play ng kapatid ko sa pampanga at 10.
Anyhow, now I can start really memorizing my script. Drop scripts naman na ako pero pag sunod sunod na yung scenes nakakalimot na ako. Tsaka kahit dun sa mga namemorize ko na may nakakalimutan parin ako minsan.
Last friday, after my philo oral exams I went strait to rehearsals. Tapos andun na sila dexter pero hindi pa nag uumpisa yung rehearsals. We tried finishing the ball dance (As in yung dance kung saan unang makikita ni romeo si juliet), but we weren't able to finish it. But it's really shaping up. I love the dances. Ang hirap kasi eh! Tapos ang gagaling ng mga dancers na kasama, kaya talagang natutulak akong galingan. at magpapayat! haha:) Ang daming mga lifts lifts. Kaya ngayon may mga pasa ako sa mga singit at tiyan dahil ewan, sa grip siguro o sobrang bigat ko talaga. haha... okey..
Okay naman yung philo orals ko. Sobrang pagod na ako nung araw na yun. tapos i read all the handouts that day narin. Para fresh.. Tapos tamad na ako magreview. Pagdating ko dun wala man lang akong kanerbyos nerbyos. sabi ni Dr. Reyes:
"So ina, are you ready to take the exam?"
I said: "No sir.."
"Oh... Well then just try to answer my questions.."
(Ano pa nga ba.. wala naman akong choice..) But it went well. He's my favoirte philo teacher as of now. And I highly recommend him It's just sad that he doesn't give high marks. In fact he says he rarely gives out A's. Usually highest na ang B. But, I learned a lot from him. And that's what's important.
Pagbaba ko ng dept. naka post na pala yung final marks ng theo 141. so chineck ko.... class number 26.5..... A! I GOT AN A! what a pleasant surprise. I mean, I never really worked for an A sa course niya. kasi papers palang, kulang na ako ng isa (out of four) dahil nasa china pa ako nung sinubmit yun. Tapos parang hindi ako umeefort sa class niya. So siguro, (diba sa mga egroups ata sinasabi na mabait si tejido?) mabait nga siya siguro talaga. "It's torture, not mercy!!!" Ika nga namin ni romeo. Pero at least nag pay off ang torture.
Pasensya na sa lagi kong pagrelate sa romeo and juliet ng mga bagay bagay a.. ganun talaga. naaadict ako eh.. Mag seskating ata kaming block sa tuesday! sana tuloy!:)

eksena ni ricky capulet

(I want to write down some scenes/stories about the happenings at rehearsals. So that when the play ends I have something to read and remember.)


Last night, we were doing one of Juliet's most difficult scenes. Wherein after finding out Tybalt's death and Romeo's banishment, she and Romeo sleep together for the first and last time. And then in the morning they separate, and she has a premonition of Romeo's death. And then Lady Capulet enters her room and delivers to her the news that Lord Capulet had set up a "sudden day of joy" wherein Juliet and Paris will be wed. Now... amidst mourning and crying endlessly for Romeo, Juliet's father also enters the scene. He gets mad at her and calls her a slut. etc. But, we don't have an actor for Lord Capulet yet.

So what Ricky did was he stood in for Lord Capulet's, and he started yelling at me. It was so real I wasn't even sure anymore if he were just acting or he was really angry at me. I was so afraid! And the scene turned out really well. Katski told me later on that the scene was moving. Yanny actually felt awa for me. Pero sabi niya, buti nga daw ako acting palang. Di ko na daw naabutan yung younger days ni sir ricky. Then sabi ni s.ricky later after rehearsals that he saw terror in my eyes daw and he was thinking "that's the reaction i want!". ohm y god he's freakishly scary and effective... nakakatakot talaga siya! he even kicked the bed and i was so shocked by his strength. yeah that's all... it's a little something i think i'll always remember. ;) i wonder what we're gonna do later.. it scares and excites the shit out of me. :))


oo nga pala... okay pa naman ang school. haha.. naging second priority talaga o... but yeah, my theology oral exams was "excellent" daw sabi ni Tejido. Sana sa philo i'll also do well. Bukas na yon. After that, I can concentrate on the better stuff... ;p